So this month we celebrate Father's Day, our national celebration of the Dude Who Takes Out the Garbage. After the beatification ritual we call Mother's Day, Father's Day can seem terribly mundane, like Flag Day without the stars and stripes.

So this month we celebrate Father's Day, our national celebration of the Dude Who Takes Out the Garbage. After the beatification ritual we call Mother's Day, Father's Day can seem terribly mundane, like Flag Day without the stars and stripes.

If your Father's Day lacks power tools and ties, it may be time to take Dumb Daddy's Official Paternity Test. Are you Mr. Popularity or just a cold Popsicle? Add up the numbers from each of your responses below to determine your level of success in fatherhood.

Your most significant memory of your child's birth is:
a) Proudly cutting the umbilical cord and sneaking the baby out of the hospital to put him next to the peanuts at your favorite sports bar. (+5)
b) The Browns, Bengals and Buckeyes all lost that weekend. (-1)
c) The feeling of cold, hospital linoleum on your forehead. (-3)

Your greatest flaw as a dad is:
a) You surreptitiously skip more than half the pages of your child's favorite bedtime book because you'd rather be reading a pop-up version of Curious George and Yellow Fetish Man Gets Fed to the Lions. (+5)
b) When a diaper goes nuclear, you hide in the bathroom until one of your neighbors finally changes it. (+2)
c) You fight over who gets to breastfeed first. (-2)

When your wife announces she has to work out of town for the weekend, your response is to high-five the kids and shout:
a) "Grab the camping gear, kids! No more baths till Mama gets back!" (+5)
b) "Super size me, baby! No more vegetables!" (+2)
c) "Get 'cher piggy banks and pajamas, kids! Dad's goin' to poker night while you watch movies in the minivan!" (-2)

When your wife is actually away for the weekend, your quality time with the kids entails:
a) Tobogganing down the stairs in an empty refrigerator box (+6) and eating cold Pop Tarts for dinner (-1) after getting back at 1 a.m. from the emergency room. (-3)
b) Reading all the take-out menus for their bedtime stories. (+1)
c) Seeing how many Backugons will actually stick to their grandparents' hip replacements.
(-3)

Which statement best describes your involvement in your young children's extracurricular endeavors?
a) You decide to coach kickball because the Scoutmaster's uniform proved less of a chick magnet than you had hoped. (+3)
b) You stand on the sidelines and scream "scoreboard!" at all your daughter's U5 soccer opponents. (-1)
c) You were banned from coaching for life after you told the game-losing child that he might have greater success quitting all sports and focusing on mouth breathing. (-3)

When wrestling with the kids, your signature move is called:
a) The Bombay Buttock Asphyxiator. (+5)
b) The Lethal Leaning Tower of Pizza. (+1)
c) The Whirley Twirley Happy Giggly Butterfly. (-7)

On snow days:
a) You grimly let your daughters dress you as their favorite princess. (+5)
b) You pretend that the pantyhose don't really give you that warm and tingly feeling. (-1)
c) Your mother-in-law catches you twirling in front of a mirror. (-3)

When your wife insists she needs your help with your 5-year-old's birthday party, you:
a) Helpfully fill up all party loot bags with dried cereal, pocket change and navel lint and inflate the bounce house by mouth. (+3)
b) Shout "I'll get the beer!" and dash out the door. (+1)
c) Dress as Darth Vader, make balloon light sabers for all the kids and repeatedly demand to all the other moms, "Come to the Dark Side, baby!" (-3)

On Mom's night out you:
a) Review imaginary numbers and discuss War and Peace with your six-year-old because it's never too early to start on the college application process. (+3)
b) Kiss mom goodbye, feed the kids French fries and toothpaste and organize an armpit farting competition at the dinner table. (+1)
c) Call the babysitter, throw on a dress and wig, grab your lucky Bunko dice, and join the fun. (-1; but +2 if the neighborhood gals compliment your handbag.)


Chris Barrett is a freelance writer and a proud father of three great daughters. For more of his insanity, check out TheDumbDaddyDiaries.com .