Dave got his every-three-weeks haircut and beard trim again the other day. It’s amazing how fast his hair grows. Good thing it’s just his head and his face. If his hair grew like that everywhere they’d think they finally discovered the missing link between man and ape. 

At the end of three weeks, his hair starts poufing up into a bouffant, curly "wings" stick out from under his hat above his ears, his mustache completely covers his upper lip and his beard starts inching up toward his eyes and curling up around his chin. 

His hair grows so fast that he can get a butch at the beginning of June and need a haircut by his birthday on July 1. He could shave his beard off completely and have a full beard most guys would be proud of by the end of the week. 

I don’t really know how fast he could regrow his mustache because he’s never shaved it off in all the 33 years I’ve known him. From what I heard, the only time he shaved it off since he was old enough to grow one was the time his sister bumped his arm when he was shaving when he was in the eighth grade. 

If I sound like I’m in awe of his hair-growing skills, it’s because I am. His hair grows about an inch a week. Mine’s more like an inch a year, if that. I’ve always been in a mostly hate/hate relationship with my hair. 

As a child, I always dreamed of "Indian Princess" hair, long and black, — not so much the short and mousy brown stuff I’m sporting. I thought I could at least have curly hair then, like my mom. Nope, mine was as straight as a pin. 

Grandma used to do her best with perms and such. It was nice having a retired beautician in the family. I should have always just let her do my hair and then I wouldn’t have had that embarrassing episode in the fifth grade with whole chunks of it missing. 

I tried to roll it up in rags for some quick overnight curls, but a lot of the hair was sticking out all over, not in the rags like when Grandma rolled it up for me. So I just cut those nasty bits off. It didn’t look bad until I took the rags out in the morning. 

I still cut my own hair now, but not just randomly whacking off sections. Just a little trim now and then. I’ve threatened to shave it all off and start over, but it could take me decades to get more than peach fuzz. It’s been like this since I was born. 

Mom said at first glance people thought I was some sort of child prodigy, an infant genius who could walk and talk. No, I was just really short and mostly bald as a toddler. 

The upside of my lack of hair is that it does apply to the rest of me. I have no facial hair so I have been saved what some women unfortunately have to deal with. I have no hair whatsoever on my arms or legs. Dave says my legs are as smooth as a baby’s bottom. 

I haven’t shaved my legs since I was pregnant with our first-born. I never really did before that either, but I was hormonal and in a weird mood and thought, what the heck, other women do this. I cut my leg so bad I swore I’d never do that stuff again. And I never have. The "baby" is now 26 and I still have the scar on my shin. 

Speaking of the baby, he seems to have gotten a combination of my and Dave’s hair. It’s about the same color as mine, but curly and thick like his dad’s. He can stick his fingers in it on either side and make it stand straight up, although Dave says that’s just because it’s full of dirt. 

Now that he’s married, I think he washes it a lot more than he used to. After he graduated from high school and was still living at home, I mentioned something about his lack of personal hygiene. He said, "I’m not in school, I don’t have a job and I don’t have a girlfriend, what do I need to take a shower for?" There is no answer for that. 

His beard isn’t as thick and doesn’t seem to grow as fast as his dad’s, but it’s odd in that it’s actually curlier than Dave’s. It stays all up close to his face, but if you stretch out that mass of curls, his beard is about four or five inches long. 

I don’t know where the extra dose of curls came from. It sure wasn’t from me. I just gave him the color and the guarantee that he’ll never have to shave his back, and I bet his wife appreciates that.

© 2017 Laura Nethken